This is a good start to the paper. After the introduction the paper read a lot better. I would use more complex sentence structures in the introduction (combine 25,000 patients with these include).
Also you talk about immunosuppressive drugs in the 2nd paragraph and then the second from the last paragraph but you use almost the same sentences. Could these be combined or reworded???
Otherwise, good job
First thing, Any change or direct comment i made i put bold and just typed it into your paper. I think you paper is very interesting. You have alot of grammatical errors, so make sure to proof read this. I kinda feel like you through out alot of stuff but never really explained it. So maybe send some more time developing your ideas in the paper. Also, I don't know if you need more sources or not since you only cited 12, but if you do, the university of minnesota just came our with an article about finding a way to turn off specific immune cells. I haven't read it, but it sounds like it would fit into your paper almost perfectly, so if you need another source check that out. But overall good job!
You also have a problem with the word the. for example in this sentence "There are many complications that arise after organ transplantation because the patients are placed on immunosuppressant drugs. " You can only use the word the for something specific. Since in this senece you are talking about paients in general you cannot used the word the. Go t'hrough your paper cuz there are alot of these here. It is an easy fix, just change the to "a", or in the case of this sentence just remove it.
One thing that would drastically improve flow to this paper would be adding transitions between subjects. I marked one in there when you start talking about TLRs. Topic sentences would really help too. It seems like you are all over the place with new ideas and if you just add some topic sentences, it would really help the reader out.
I really like how you describe the implications of what the research has found!! I would suggest describing pernchymal fibrosis, what intra-/intermolecular spreading of epitopes is, and ischemia/reperfusion. thanks for the clarification on the ending of your paper, I was confused and thought I didn't print it right! :)
Good job. This seems like a really tough subject to write about and you have lots of good information. The spreading epitope part really interests me, and you mentioned that if it was caught early it could be prevented. Do you know by chance how you can prevent epitope spreading and what kind of treatments would be used? Also, I noticed a couple of times you said, "It is thought….." A more professional way to say this that would help your paper sound more definite would be to say things like "Researchers theorize"…..or "Research/researchers has/have suggested". Good start!
You have a genuine interest in the topic, which shows through your writing. My problem is sometimes your flow is off. Try using complex sentences, like Jeffrey said earlier, it makes all the difference and looks/sounds more professional. Its a good beginning, just needs a little polishing.
Good work so far! You have a really interesting topic and did a good job of incorporating statistics into the paper. Be sure to add a thorough conclusion that will help tie together loose ends from such a broad topic field. I would also be curious to read more about the virus, CMV. Good job!
I forgot something….I'm just curious, and maybe this is because I have a dorky fascination with pharmaceuticals, but could you maybe elaborate on the specific types of immunosuppressive drugs that these patients are normally prescribed. Maybe discuss their expected effects, action, and side effects. It's just a suggestion though, the paper is off to a great start! :)