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Hey Justin, I was wondering why you used exuberate so much in your paper

by Kildow06Kildow06, 01 May 2008 07:05

Paper looks great so far ladies! Just a few grammatical errors I found, but otherwise very easy to read. It helped that the paper was broken down into topics and sectioned off! Writing was clear & concise as well. My only real suggestion is to be careful when you are defining lupus you called it "systemic lupus erythematous" and then went on to discuss the different types of lupus, with SLE only being one type. Even though it is the most common, I would maybe define lupus as a whole and then diverge into the different types like you did. Looks awesome so far & very interesting info!

by kirwinkirwin, 16 Apr 2008 17:24
kirwinkirwin 16 Apr 2008 17:16
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Erin Rough Draft

I forgot something….I'm just curious, and maybe this is because I have a dorky fascination with pharmaceuticals, but could you maybe elaborate on the specific types of immunosuppressive drugs that these patients are normally prescribed. Maybe discuss their expected effects, action, and side effects. It's just a suggestion though, the paper is off to a great start! :)

by kirwinkirwin, 16 Apr 2008 17:16
kirwinkirwin 16 Apr 2008 17:12
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Erin Rough Draft

Good work so far! You have a really interesting topic and did a good job of incorporating statistics into the paper. Be sure to add a thorough conclusion that will help tie together loose ends from such a broad topic field. I would also be curious to read more about the virus, CMV. Good job!

by kirwinkirwin, 16 Apr 2008 17:12
mfastmfast 16 Apr 2008 03:21
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Brooke Rough Draft

I can tell that you are really interested in your topic with your introduction. The paper overall is really good, the information is really thorough. I would maybe work on your conclusion a little bit though, it feels a little incomplete and doesn't really wrap the paper up, especially the last sentence.

by mfastmfast, 16 Apr 2008 03:21

Solid paper you two! There were just a few bumpy sentences that interrupted the flow, but over all it read very nicely. My only concern is your consistency with using a hyphen on B-cell or T-cell, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. I don't think it really matters which way you go, it just makes it more uniform if you use one way. I also agree with the idea that you should differentiate between HIV and AIDs, most people know the diff but I'm sure there are those few who are still a little confused about the correlation between the two. Overall though it was an amazing paper!

by mfastmfast, 16 Apr 2008 03:01
kirwinkirwin 15 Apr 2008 22:42
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Maggie S Rough Draft

So far your paper is off to a great start! Very interesting topic! It is very broad, so be sure things are broken up at the right places. However, you did an awesome job of incorporating so many different diseases into the paper and described them well. I would be careful when saying something is "one of the most taxing ailments" when referring to neurological diseases. This is a pretty strong sentence, and while I'm sure neurological diseases aren't pleasant for patients, how can that statement be made unless it has been experienced? But anyway, your paper flowed nicely and was easy to read. Sentence structure was good and points were backed up by research! Very good job so far & very interesting paper…definitely kept my interest!! :)

by kirwinkirwin, 15 Apr 2008 22:42

Awesome job so far you two! You did a fabulous job focusing on the right points at the right time. Paragraph structure was great and the paper was easy to follow. It kept my attention & was very interesting! My only suggestion at this point is to may differentiate between HIV & AIDs right away in the introduction because you kinda used them simultaneously. I'm sure everyone in this class understands the difference, but to an outside reader it may seem confusing when you state stats about AIDs and then move into developing an HIV vaccine. Speaking of stats though, you guys did a great job of researching that! Well done! :)

by kirwinkirwin, 15 Apr 2008 22:30
kirwinkirwin 15 Apr 2008 22:25
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Justin S Research Paper

Well done Justin!
I think you are off to an awesome start! Sentence structure is almost perfect and your writing is clear and concise. I got a little confused in the section where you started about immunizations. Diptheria & pertussis are two separate diseases, so maybe just change that sentence in your paragraph. Otherwise, I think it looks great! good job!

by kirwinkirwin, 15 Apr 2008 22:25

Very Nice Paper. You have done a very good job explaining the differences between invertebrate and vertebrate immune systems, I too like the specific example using the bumblebees :) Most of the grammar things i would change, contractions etc., were already noted in the paper! Good Job!!

by ashleysashleys, 15 Apr 2008 22:09

Kelli, your paper read very well and it was very interesting. One thing i would maybe suggest would to add subheadings, then the reader would know exactly what would be coming up within the reading. But overall great job!!

by ashleysashleys, 15 Apr 2008 20:57

Nice paper. One thing I noticed was that you would use an acronym for something and then later repeat the original word with the acronym again For example towards the beginning you have dendritic cells (DC) and then you use DC for it but then later you have dendritic cell (DC) again. If this doesn't make sense tell me and I will explain it better. Another thing is avoid the use of it. try to be more specific. The last thing I have is for the last sentence you have it cited. it would look better to end the paper with your own sentence and not something from somebody else.

by Erin CErin C, 15 Apr 2008 20:42
kirwinkirwin 15 Apr 2008 19:51
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Brooke Rough Draft

Very good paper Brooke! You did an excellent job of thoroughly explaining the life cycle of parasites and then detailing how they invade their hosts. The paper was well written and easy to follow. I was just wondering what exactly Chaga's disease is, s/s, etc.? Just curious! Overall, your paper is off to a good start! Well done!

by kirwinkirwin, 15 Apr 2008 19:51

Great paper Kristen! I really enjoyed reading it. I agree with Brooke about the bumblebee part of the paper—it helped to bring up a specific example of your topic. Paper is well organized and concise. I would just watch the contractions, but other than that, I think you're off to a great start. There's just a few minor tweaks in sentence organization that are noted in the paper, but I think it looks pretty fabulous!

by kirwinkirwin, 15 Apr 2008 19:43

Nice job on this paper!
I also liked the headings because it helped group the topics together. You may want to include an introduction at the very beginning that introduces SLE.

I know there is some research done that unknown viruses play a part in autoimmune disease. Have you found any information about viruses affecting SLE?

Also, is drug induced Lupus still considered an autoimmune diseases? If so, how exactly do those drugs cause the body to "attack" itself?

by brooke_alettabrooke_aletta, 15 Apr 2008 16:39

Good paper.
I really liked the bumblebee part. Are there any other places that you could uses specific species? Like when you say that adaptive response has recently been discovered in invertebrates…..this seems like kind of a big deal and it may help the reader if you talk about a specific species it was found in.

It was nicely organized with easy to read paragraphs!

by brooke_alettabrooke_aletta, 15 Apr 2008 16:09

Hey nice job dude! :)

I have a few suggestions:

I’m interested in the Adam 33, but I think it would help your paper not to simply bring it up in the first paragraph, but to discuss it in its own paragraph.

In paragraph 3 you talk about the hypothesis that early exposure to various bacterial and viral infections decrease the risk for asthma by helping them develop the Th1 response. Then, in the next paragraph, you talked about viruses exuberating asthma so I was kind of confused. Also, if you want another example of a virus that is linked to asthma development, I learned in one of my classes that infants/young children who get RSV, Respiratory Syncytial Virus, are at risk for developing asthma later in life. If you just google the words “RSV and asthma” a lot of articles come up that you could maybe use in your paper.

Also, in my paper on parasites, I will eventually discuss the link between parasites and asthma. I found one source that that talks about how as asthma is more prevalent in developed countries and parasite infection is not, while asthma in underdeveloped countries is uncommon and parasite infection is common. I think the article said this may be because parasites often have the ability to decrease cytokine production and the amount of eosinophils in the blood, so people with parasite infection have a decreased prevalence of asthma. I don’t have the article with me right now, but I could get it for you if you are interested.

good start!

by brooke_alettabrooke_aletta, 15 Apr 2008 15:38
mfastmfast 15 Apr 2008 04:32
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ashley And Autumns Paper

This paper is really well researched, with lots of background. Almost everything was explained to a T, making it easy to follow. I love the fact that you have subheadings with in the paper, it really helps to keep it focused…I may steal this idea from you two! It reads very nicely, just a few bumpy sentences, but they are far and few between.

by mfastmfast, 15 Apr 2008 04:32
mfastmfast 15 Apr 2008 03:33
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Kelli Irwin Rough Draft

Amazing! This paper is really thorough and I love the fact that you involved plenty of background information. It really pulls the whole thing together and it shows that you are truly interested in your topic. I made a few comments with in the paper, mostly on sentence structure or word choice. I also agree with Justin, that there are some parts that are a little wordy. Overall though, great paper!

by mfastmfast, 15 Apr 2008 03:33

Great job in the information in your paper. It was gerneally very complete with a few holes that are mentioned above and in your paper. One thing to watch out for is being specific enough. Example. you talked about percent of sequence similarities. However you never said of what. Is it the sequence of DNA that encodes for the proteins or is it the Amino acid sequence that makes up the proteins. You did This in a couple of places around your paper. I marked a couple of them, but i would double check it for more. Also you guys seemed to be a bit chatty in your paper. I think by making you writing more conside, you could easily cut a page or two in legnth. Also going along with tthis you seemed kind of redundant. IE saying mequaces are a non human primate model. This is kind of obvious becuase mequaces are NOT humans but are primates. I marked some of the other spots where i saw this, but double check again. Overall very good paper. I had to comment on the little nit picky stuff becuase the content of the paper was basically complete. So good job!

by JMoserJMoser, 14 Apr 2008 19:59
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